Guest Post Update

Apparently, Brandon got hooked on guest-posting after my blog and is now doing other guest-posts. I think I feel like the local schoolyard pot dealer now after discovering that my childhood friend who I badgered into trying his first joint is now hooked on heroin. I feel really guilty about it. But then again, I'm Catholic, so if this hadn't happened, I would probably find something else to

Xmas Guest Post By One Child Left Behind

Since my annual torture ritual at the hands of those who share my genetic material is not yet half over, I am bringing you a guest post by Brandon, formerly of the blog known as "one child left behind". I once described reading his blog as being like having a religious experience that doesn't involve being molested by a priest. Although Brandon has given up blogging, he kindly agreed to do this

Christmas Break From Blogging.

Okay, I haven’t made much progress lately on my to do list around the fortress, but I’m hoping to kick it into high gear after the new year. I installed most of the baseboard molding upstairs, before I left. Not because I was motivated, but because I got sick of seeing it in my living room and having to step around it. Plus when people come to visit and see it sitting in the same place for

Diesel Me

Well, I just went through a barrage of tests for a health screening and I found out that my body fat is 10.7%. Even though I haven't worked out in over 2 months and I put on about 10 pounds recently, I am still at 10.7% body fat. This doesn't surprise me. Doing construction work makes me storng like, well, like a construction worker. And as many of you know, I studied Northern Eagle Claw Kung Fu

Ouch! Stock Thoughts.

Someone asked me recently why I matched the contributions in the charity raffle at the DC Blogger Happy Hour. There were two reasons. 1) Catholic Guilt; and 2) Ninja Stock Picks (tm) have been doing remarkably well over the past 6 months. I was actually up about 22% in the past 6 months on my Ninja investment strategy. So I donated a bunch of money to other charities and I figured the Karma

Blogger Happy Hour

Well, the Blogger Happy Hour was good. I don’t think as many people showed up as usual because it was freezing out, but all in all it turned out okay. It turns out that I suck at raffles, but the fundraising went okay. The 50/50 raffle was won by some non-bloggers at a table who bought some tickets. In a way, it’s good that a non-blogger won, because if the winner had been a blogger with nice

Proof that I'm not a Jerk (as far as you know).

Ninjas have a long tradition of charity. In olden times, if a ninja was going to kill you on your birthday, they would ask you if you had a last request before you die. Many people asked to be spared, some asked for a threesome with double-jointed large-breasted twins, and some asked for flan. After you told them what your last request was, they would tell you to close your eyes and it would

Proof that I'm Not as Pathetic As You Thought

After reading the story about when I got my ass kicked by a swan when I was a kid, some of you may think that I have the fighting prowess of Clay Aiken. But…here is a video of a swan kicking an adult’s ass. All things considering, I think I did pretty good in that fight.*Swan Attack - video powered by Metacafe*If you define pretty good as cowering in a corner and crying while a bird beats me

Dinner With David Lynch and a Bush Appointee

My coolest celebrity story is the one where I peed next to Jack Nicholson. (This was in a restroom urinal, otherwise the story would be even cooler). This weekend I added another celebrity story to my catalog. Although this one wasn’t nearly as cool as the other ones (like when Mario Cuomo tried to have me arrested, or when Chris Rock pretended to laugh at one of my jokes). I had a (DC) Celebrity

SUV Attacks Increase

In case you thought I was exaggerating about the need to fortify the defenses on the Ninja Fortress to protect it from attacks by drunken yuppies in SUVs, check out THIS!This SUV plowed into a school that is within striking distance of the fortress. Luckily, those kids were probably cutting class, doing drugs, or engaging in unprotected pre-marital sex and were therefore no where near the school

The Grass Isn't the Only Thing That's Greener

I think I've seen it all now.. Check out this Article: multi millionaires are envious of billionaires. WTF?Now I know why greed is one of the seven deadly sins. Greed is probably the worst of the seven deadly sins--except for gluttony, because it makes you a big fatass. No, I take that back, because with gluttony, you get to enjoy some delicious deep friend food. Maybe some flan, or a peanut

Secuirty Precautions and The Fortress

Hmmmm....I've been thinking that I should park the Ninja Light-Armoured Assault Vehicle (NLAAV) in front of my house, instead of in my rear parking spot. You see, I thought that the bars on the gates and windows made the Ninja Fortress impenetrable. BUT, recent hostile mouse incursions (all intruders were repelled with serious firepower) and THIS news article make me realize that further

Random Thoughts about my House/Mortgage.

Why did my bank just send me a Mortgage Life Insurance Application? My thoughts: A veiled threat on my life? If so, they should know I studied Northern Shaolin Kung Fu for a year and a half from this guy when I was 15, so don’t even try it! why would I possibly care if my mortgage gets paid off or not when I die? If the bank is so worried about their money, let them buy it. in the application,

Ninja News Update: Weekend Movie Edition

In case some of you are looking for something ninja-esque to do this weekend, I figured I would give you a quick heads up. If you'll remember waaaaaay back in one of the first Ninja News segments (that I am too lazy to look up right now) I told you about an independent film maker that made a film about dating, and one fo the stories in it was a ninja that goes on a blind date. Well, it's showing

The Lost Episodes: Swan Attack

Well, I'm still not sure I'll continue blogging. But this is a post I had sitting in my draft box so I thought you should have it, my internets. It's like one of those lost episodes of The Honeymooners, except that there's no fat protaganist and the post isn't in black and white. _______________________________________________________________________Do you serve swan? Whenever I go to one of

See You Around...Maybe

I think I'm taking a break from Blogging for a while. I’ll decide in a month or two if it will permanent. I have not been myself lately so I think I'm taking a break from blogging for a while. I don't know if it will be permanent like Liberal Banana or The Daily Dump, but I don't want to be one of those people who quits then comes back and claims that he missed you people. I won't miss you...

The One where I get Visitors from The Midwest

Well, I shoulda’ posted this weeks ago, but I had camera issues. Here’s the story: My old law school roommate’s family came for a visit to DC, so I met them out for dinner. I’m posting the pics on here (and the story) so that they can download the pics if they want them.When I was in law school, I lived with my friend, who we’ll call Tony Twist (because he’s from St. Louis, has a goatee and

Well, I shoulda’ posted this weeks ago, but I had camera issues. Here’s the story: My old law school roommate’s family came for a visit to DC, so I met them out for dinner. I’m posting the pics on here (and the story) so that they can download the pics if they want them.When I was in law school, I lived with my friend, who we’ll call Tony Twist (because he’s from St. Louis, has a goatee and

The One Where I Get Ripped Off By Mechanics

Well, I had some problems with the Ninja Lite Armoured Assaust Vehicle (N-LAAV) lately. Because Fridays usually suck for me, something went wrong with my clutch and I had to rent a car for the weekend.A fcucking Ford Taurus.I can’t even begin to catalog the ways a Ford Taurus is inferior to the NLAAV, but I’ll try. The NLAAV is higher up than the Taurus. In an urban combat situation (like running

Man vs Mouse

I got some pretty impressive snap traps set up. They look lethal and are definintely painful. I know this because I accidentally caught my finger on one as I was setting it up. If these traps will nab someone as smart as me, then that Mouse, won't stand a chance. In case you're wondering if it will avoid the trap due to some unbelievable brain power that it acquired in some top secret government

The One Where I Kill My Roommate...Sort of.

There are times when I regret being a nice guy—like yesterday, for instance. My rodent foe had been clever enough to avoid the poisons and glue traps until yesterday. I walked into my place after a night of swing dancing and I saw the li’l bastard stuck to the glue trap. And he was still alive. He was about the size of my thumb and squirmed when he saw me; at times I thought he would break free

Quickie Ninja Stock Pick

I didn't have time to post about this the other day, but the "food and breasts" stock has come out today. Sara Lee, the food company spun off its apparrel division as a separate company: Hanes. The new company includes Champion sweatshirts, Hanes Underwear, Playtex bras, Wonderbra, Barely THere and Just My Size. As part of my "research" I've been asking hot girls I know to email me pics of

The One Where I Plumb.

THE ONE WHERE I PLUMBBecause I am a masochist, I will now do a post about plumbing. This will prove to the naysayers that I once in a while, when Catholic Guilt overwhelms me, I do some actual work. Let’s just call a spade a spade and say that the plumbing gods don’t love me. While my little homemade waterfalls were frustrating in the past, now things are different. It sucks to have a river of

Polititcians: STAY OFF MY YARD!!!

The DC Mayoral elections are next week. I’m torn between indifference and laziness about this one. What bugs me most about these elections however, is the annoying habit of these political hacks to put their campaign signs up on your property without your permission. Fenty’s people posted a sign on the ninja fortress lawn (in front of the moat). My imaginary friend had it done to her house

Ninjas Helping Others

I've been thinking a lot about Karma lately. Was I being punished yesterday for killing the mouse? Why did the universe make me lose my cell phone (only to give it back to me later)? I volunteered recently to head up a big charity fundraiser that will take up a lot of my time over the next few months. It's already shaping up to be a LOT more involved than I thought it would be. At the time,

REWARD

I Lost My Cell Phone This Morning. Somewhere near the Columbia Heights Metro Station. Probably on 13th Street somewhere between Irving and Harvard. On the off chance that one of the tens of people that read this blog every month finds it, please get in contact with me. My whole life was in that phone. Me without my cell is like a politician without illegal bribes or hookers. HELP!UPDATEI kept

The One Where My Friend Comes For A Visit

I have an update on the battle with the mouse situation, but I'll do it in a day or two since I have to upload the picture first. Yes, it's what you think it is. In the meantime...So last week I was lucky enough to get a surprise visitor. My first DC friend Sailor Moon was in town for a deposition. When I say she was my first DC friend, that’s not an exaggeration. We actually met during

The One Where I Revive the Ninja News Skits

Since I haven't done Ninja News in a a while I figured this would be a treat. First up, is a film that has to do with powertools, but I'm posting it anwyay. I think is the greatest commercial for Power tools ever made…in the history of mankind. After watching this the first time, I was literally speechless. My mind nearly exploded and as I struggled to cobble together a coherent thought,

Weekend Recap

Well I didn’t get much done this weekend, and by “much” I mean nothing. Still, as far as weekends where you veg out go, it wasn’t so bad. I’ll try to do an actual plumbing post (with pics!) this week as penance. Damn you, Catholic Guilt!I ALMOST did some actual work when, in a fit of perpetual boredom, I called a DC blogger I know and offered to fix her toilet. And, no, that’s not a euphemism for

The One Where I Pontificate About Home Buying

I saw this article on the Real Estate Market, which I thought was interesting. Except for this part: "High prices are sewing the seeds of their own demise." It's sowing, as in "what ye sow, so shall ye reap." How the hell does someone sew seeds. Moron! Anyway, back to my twisted diatribe.I’ve been saying the housing markets were due for a correction since ’03, but like the tech boom, I

The One Where My Sister Comes to Visit

Since I still hadn’t killed the mouse, I was worried about my sister visiting. I don’t think she bought the story about the little piles of poison I had the kitchen being blue breadcrumbs from some exotic dish I made. My sister’s a bad cook, but not even she will believe that.Still, despite my not being able to kill the ninja mouse, (which I have named “Sho Kosugi”) yet, I thought we should make

The One Where I Do Some Actual Work For a Change

Well, since my sister was visiting I decided to install some shades in the master bedroom. I know what you’re thinking: You mean you just walk around in your tighty whities without having actual window shades. Yes, I do. Part of the reason that Ninja Fortress is so secure is that burglars are deterred because when they see me in my tighty whities, they are either so intimidated by my musculature

The One Where I Get My Driveway Back

When we last left our protagonist, he was about to do something stupid—as usual. For the first part of this story, see yesterday’s post. Since I was furious, I thought (not so) seriously about throwing a giant cinderblock through his windshield and setting his car on fire. Even thinking about it now, makes me happy. But I remembered all the creative comments and the one about the fish really

The One Where Starvin' Marvin Blocks My Driveway

Well, I guess that I should fill you in on the episode with the car blocking my driveway. I didn’t do it last week partly because I’m lazy and partly because I can’t even think of it without getting my blood boiling.Now, if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know how sensitive/territorial I am about my driveway. despite all the yelling, there was no danger of a fist fight like there

The One Where I Try to Kill My Roommate

Okay, so I have a fcuking MOUSE in the Impenetrable Fortress. Despite having 3 bedrooms and 2 Baths, this place isn’t big enough for the both of us, so I have decided that he (or she) must die…preferably a slow, painful death so that he tells all his mouse friends that the ninja is not one to be fcuked with!!! It’s bad enough that I have to live in a construction zone, I won’t do it with a

Just the Facts Ma'am

Much has been said about Senator George Allen’s allegedly racist remarks. Because I hate politicians as much as I hate traffic cops or pedophiles, I’ll give you my (i.e. the correct) take on the situation.FACT: Virginia Senator, and Presidential hopeful, George Allen called a dark-skinned man a “Macaca”, which is a type of monkey.So, at a rally with hundreds of white people, he singles out the

Ninja Stock Picks Update

Interesting development. One of my Ninja Stock Picks ™ , Smith & Wesson (SWHC) was just rated by Investors Business Daily as one of the top 10 stocks under $10. I agree with the assessment. I usually only recommend value stocks, not growth stocks, but I made an exception for this one. Smith and Wesson is like the Angelina Jolie of stocks. If you only dated blondes, you still wouldn’t kick

My Dream Job...Or is it?

Well, since the Houston gig a few months ago didn't pan out, I have been thinking about what I would like to do for a living in an ideal world.I mean, besides being married to Judy Greer.One of my not-so secret desires is to get so good at Ninja Stock Picks ™ that I can eventually decide to do it full time. In my fantasy, people with lots of money try to convince me to give up my job as a

Random Real Estate Stuff

Since I don’t have anything substantive to post, I figured I would post a few interesting articles I came across on owning a home or buying/flipping property. I know that people who come here would rather have me tell them what to think than have to think for themselves, but you should really read these articles anyway. That way, if we ever meet at a cocktail party and there’s an awkward silence,

Speaking of Elections

Speaking of elections: one of my imaginary internet friends, Listen to Leon, has a good shot of winning a Black Weblog Award or two. In case you're wondering, my blog won't win any Black Weblog Awards because1) I'm not black; and2) My blog is crap.I don't know who else I would vote for because1) Most other blogs are crap;2) Unless it's obvious from the blog name, I usually have no idea what color

Update

I'm still working on the Investing Ninja Blog, but it's not ready yet. Still, since I said I would keep you imaginary people informed of my movements so you know when to buy or sell, I wanted to let you know that I sold my shares in American Home Mortgage (AHM) today. They were up about 10% from where I bought it at one point, but I had an automatic 6% trailing stop loss (like a booby trap)

The Most Important Election in the 20th Century

Well, I heard about this contest for the Hottest DC Journalist. It turns out that the hottie who wrote the article in the Washington Post about me has been nominated. She got taken to task by Wonkette for soliciting votes by email, but I don’t really see any difference between that and the way politicians work the phones before an election. You can vote here.In case you’re wondering which

Shoes, Washing Machines, and The Man.

So Saturday I went to the mall to take care of some errands. I bought a new washing machine and it's getting delivered this week. The impenetrable fortress will once again be fully operational and able to repel any enemy onlslaught in sparkling clean metrosexual garb. My enemies will tremble at my freshly laundered Diesel jeans. Best Buy was running some kind of promotion where they weren't

I'll Be Back...

They’re building a Target and some other big chain stores in my neighborhood (Columbia Heights). The good news is that it should raise property values in my neighborhood and enable me to laugh all the way to the bank when I eventually sell the fortress. The bad news is that it won’t be finished for another year or two. Since my friend, Sailor Moon, is visiting and my washing machine is still

Karma Chameleon

Well, I finally got that effin' car out of my driveway--no thanks to DC's finest. When I called at 6am and they said they would send the next available vehicle, I assumed that between 6 am and 9pm there would be at least 1 cop somewhere in DC that wasn't busy doing something more important (like popping wheelies on their cop bikes or stuffing their faces with doughnuts), but I guess I was wrong.

NARC!

This idiot, behind that tree, (with expired tags) was blocking my driveway this morning. Although I don’t normally drive to work, I’m through with being courteous. So I left a little nastygram on his car saying that if he parked in the driveway, I would have his car towed. Then I called 311 when I got to work to have the cops ticket the car. I might as well put my tax dollars to work.I know

Comcast Still Sux...and Ninja Stock Picks Update

I think I did something pretty stupid the other day. In addition to cancelling my high-speed internet (which doesn’t work!), I cancelled my cable too. Now, I hate Comcast as much as the next guy (assuming the next guy really, really hates Comcast), but now I’m starting to wonder if this was a good idea. I mean, heroin addicts don’t just erase their dealer’s phone number from their speed dial. It’

A Carport by Any Other Name

Okay, so as promised, here is an actual home improvement project. First some background. If you remember back to the Florida Trip Parts 1, 2 and 3, you’ll remember that my Dad, brother and I decided to buy a couple of houses in Florida, fix them up and flip them. This was one of them.This was a 2BR one bath house with a carport. The plan is to close off the carport and turn it into a 3BR house (

DC Cops News...Libertarian Rant

Whenever anyone thinks I am exaggerating about how idiotic, corrupt and ineffective the DC police are, I never have to wait too long to find a story to email them. I'll be the first to admit that in some cities (like NYC) the police are professional, Hard working and actually catch people and arrest them when they do things like kill, rob and rape people. Then there are the cops in DC.

A Tale of Two Nickels.

I’ve been bothering a friend of mine for several weeks about my nickel. Now, you might be thinking “I know there’s a recession, ninjaman, but bugging your friend for weeks over a nickel? Cheapass!” Or you could be thinking “I don’t think the Starbucks baristas like me”. Or possibly “Is it laundry day again? I thought I had at least one more pair of underwear.” But anyway, the reason I want THAT

Fight Blog Oppression

So this week has been shaping up to be pretty bad so far.Sucky thing Number One:A fellow blogger, La Petite Anglaise, was fired from her job for blogging. She’s a good writer and I was actually considering starting a new link on the side of my blog called “mad writing skillz” for people like her and Betty on the Beach (who stopped blogging). But I’m too lazy and my HTML skillz are weak.Anyway, La

As long as my parachute opens...

Alright, so Israel is fighting with Hezbollah and I am really pissed off. Hezbollah?…Who even knew that was a country? I bet you’re wondering what I’m pissed off about. I’m not pissed that the Israelis are fighting the Hezzbolians….err, Hezbollites? Whatever. They could kill each other from here to Sunday for all I care. What I’m upset about is what it’s doing to the financial markets. Why

Rite of Passage.

Well, I’m going to add to my list of mad skillz. It turns out that I have so many of them that sometimes I don’t even know that I have them until I test myself and find out. In that way, mad skillz are like Chlamydia. They exhibit no symptoms until tested.Next week I’ll talk about my newly acquired skillz with concrete cinder blocks and stucco, but this week we’ll be talking about my toy crane

News Update: Comsast Still Sux.

Well, still no internet. While waiting for the guy on Monday I really seriously considered cancelling everything Comcast offers (including my cable) out of spite if they couldn’t fix it. I decided to watch a full day’s worth of cable programming to see if there is anything on there worth paying for. Here’s what I saw…Maury: This show is actually pretty interesting. I think it picked up the

Buy This: Ninja Approved!

So my friend Maggie is selling her apartmetnt in Dupont Circle. (for those of you not from DC, Dupont Circle is DC's equivalent of Greenwhich Village...if DC were anywhere near as cool as NYC). Anyway, she is selling a kick-ass condo that she owns there, which is fully furnished and rented out at $1525 per month. She said the tenant is tall, blonde and good-looking, so any of you single gals

Die, Comcast, DIE!

Well, the Comcast guy came and still no internet. He came without his laptop so basically he just stared at my computer for a while, went outside to look for the cable that comes into the house, then called to set up yet another appointment for Monday. For those of you keeping count, that will be appointment number 4. Thanks, Comcast. I really appreciate having to take 4 fvcking days off work

Comcast Still Sux

In other news...Comcast still sux. I made another appotintment with them to come out and fix my internet before I die of sensory deprivation. When I called the phone monkey to set up an appointment, the following exchange happened.Monkey: The tech guy already fixed your internet.Ninja: No. He didn't fix it. He didn't even show. So unless he fixed it telepathicall-Monkey: It says here he showed up

Florida: Return of the Ninja

I spent the last few days in Florida. I'll be back in DC in a few hours. I came down here to de-stress by picking fights with my brother and working on one of the houses that we co-bought together. I should have some pics of us closing in the carport this week (if Comcast can get their ass in gear and turn my freakin' internet back on). Lately, I hate flying more than usual. Not as much as I

Comcast Sux

Well, my internet is still down, thanks to the incompetents at Comcast. They sent a repair guy to fix my cable modem, but since I failed to specify that I wanted someone who actually knew what they were doing, they sent me one that they probably hired from the parking lot of a liquor store. After about an hour of the guy playing around the computer and not knowing which end of it was up, he gave

More Parking Nazis.

Okay, so today was a semi-productive day. I still have no internet and am therefore typing this from a super-secret location. So I went to Home Depot (the evil empire) to get some dust masks and a nozzle for my paint gun thingy which is clogged. The nozzle costs $30 bucks and seeing as how it'll probably get clogged again and I'll be out another $30 bucks, we'll stick to rollers and paint brushes

Apres Moi, Le Deluge

Okay, so I took a few days off from work in order to get some actual work done at the ninja fortress. Just as my luck would have it, it's been raining nonstop for the past four days. There are three inches of standing water in my driveway; the basement is damp, smells like old people and is kicking my dehumidifier's ass; and I haven't been able to get much done. Plus it's supposed to rain 2-4

Ninja Stock Picks

In case you're wondering, I'm not done with my spinoff Ninja stock picking blog. But I wanted to give you guys an update. First: An update on an honorary stock-picking Ninja: Warren Buffett. CNN is reporting that Buffett, the world's second richest man is giving away his fortune. Most of it is going to: The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Bill Gates? I'm sorry, but the Home Improvement

Random Fridayness

Well, I got my computer fixed today, hopefully for good. It was acting up worse and worse and I thought it might be something other than software. I tried to erase everything on my Mac to get rid of all traces of LimeWire and hopefully purge the machine of the sins of online music theft, but the machine couldn't find the Harddrive so it was dead. I previously took it to the Apple store in

Houston, We Have a Problem

A couple of people I know in real life asked me about the Houston job yesterday, and I realized that I hadn't updated you imaginary friends on my situation. I'm sorry to keep you out of the loop. It's not a reflection on our imaginary relationship--really, I mean that--it's just that I have been busy and it slipped my mind. I hope you can all forgive me.So what happened? Well, basically, they

Sitemeter: My Internet Crack

I don't think I should've ever installed Sitmeter on my Blog. Now I check it way too often, to see who's visiting and how they got here. Some people get here by asking random home improvement questions like "how do you install a marble saddle". Which reminds me to get that done so I can post about it. Stay tuned you marble saddle people. It turns out my site in number one in google searches for "

Random Friday Thoughts

First of all, to whomever was honking their horn at 5am this morning: I HOPE YOU DIE. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. To Quote the great Klaus Kinksi, "You should be thrown to the crocodiles alive. An anaconda should throttle you slowly. The sting of a deadly spider should paralyze you. your brain should burst from the bite of the most poisonous of all snakes. Panthers shouldn't slit

Pre-meditated Murder

This weekend, I will kill these two shrubs; A double murder. I know you're thinking that my "garden" looks pretty pathetic. And that I shouldn't be killing the only two living organisms in my garden. Well it took a lot of work to get my garden looking that pathetic. I had too pull out so many giant weeds from that patch of dirt that now it's finally safe for Vietnam vets to walk by my place

Ninja Stock Picks.

Well, like most things I do, this experiment started as idle boasting. Johnny Vegas was bragging about how he's winning our bet about the recession and I'll be owing him $65 soon. The subject turned to investing and I mentioned that, if I wanted to, I could start a hedge fund and outperform every index (like the S&P 500 or the Dow) and that there isn't a hedge fund manager or other stock picker

Underpinning Stuff

Okay, I got a couple of questions about "underpinning" in my last post on the Sudanese guy. In case you are wondering what it is and why it upsets me, here is an explanation. Imagine you are standing on a ladder and can't reach something. Your friend comes over and tries to help by shoving a few phone books under the ladder--while you're standing on it. That's what underpinning a house is

From this day forward...

I am never drinking again. I know that I say that after every hangover, and say that I mean it. But this time I really mean it. I don't know what the hell will happen to all that beer I have in the fridge, but I'm not drinking it. Maybe I'll donate it to the homeless, they seem to like beer. Although I don't know if their pedestrian pallets can really appreciate some of the good belgian stuff

Another Ninja News Segment.

Okay, It's time for another ninja-news update. Since there are several entire cable channels devoted to home shows, at least two devoted to shopping, and and one for cooking, I'm surprised that no one has spotted a hole in the market and come up with a news channel that reports on ninja news. It could be like CNN, but for ninjas. NNN, the Ninja News Network. Until the whole cable channel

Florida Trip: Part 3

Okay, this Part 3 of the Florida Trip. I didn't feel like finishing it, but since I left off in the middle of the story, if I don't finish it people will see me in the street and say "hey, you said you were in florida...you lied. Now I can't believe anything I read on your blog...and a little piece of my innocence died just now". Since that would be awkward for both of us, here's some more of the

The Bensonhurst Kid Rides Again

Okay, so I kinda sorta crashed a wedding a little on Saturday. My friend, who we'll call Anthony (cuz that's his name) was in town for a wedding, so I went to pick him up to hang out afterwards. And by "afterwards" I meant I showed up before the reception was over to snag some free booze, deserts and dance with some hotties. Showing up uninvited, drinking your booze and leaving with your women

A Victorian By Any Other Name...

All in all, this has been a pretty crappy week. During a conversation, my Real Estate Broker, Jimmy the Greek, mentioned that my house probably isn't a Victorian. He said it's probably a Federal, whatever that means. A google image search reveals that the ninja fortress does indeed look federal-esque...to the untrained eye. In terms unattractiveness, the impenetrable fortress falls somewhere

Help a Ninja Decorate His Fortress

Okay, I need some input from the non-decoratively challenged. One of the drawbacks that comes from being so macho and studly is that I have poor decoration skillz. (another drawback is that sometimes I'll unintentionally break things with my powerful male arms, just because I don't know my own strength, so being so studly is a mixed blessing). So this weekend I went to Home Depot (the evil empire

My 15 Minutes of Fame Becomes 16

Unfortunately, I'm home from work today so I didn't get my copy of The Express today. For those of you outside the DC area, The Express is a small free paper that the Washington Post gives out to commuters outside of the urban hipster metro stations in the hopes that you will be so impressed with their ability to report the news that you will eventually break down and pay $0.35 for a full copy of

White Ninja

Happy Memorial Day. In honor of the bank holiday honoring the numerous war dead, you may now wear white again, at least until Labor Day, when it's time to honor the socialists. I know you're wondering if it's possible to practice ninja stealth while wearing white. I think the key is just to ditch the mask and don a disguise which incorporates seasonal white fabrics, and yet which is

Welcome Visitor Number 10,000

So I checked my sitemeter and I find out that had received my 10,000th visitor. That's a pretty impressive feat for a site that's about toilets and ninjas. Anyway, I have no idea who this person is, but welcome.Random Facts about the 10,000th visitor.They live in Rockville, Maryland;They use Windows (tm), but have Firefox as their browser;they are the 10,000th visitor.For being the 10,000th

Ninja News....and Save the Internet

Okay, todays edition of ninja news has a lot of video clips. In fact, it's only video clips. I would even go so far as to call it videorific, except that's not really a word. First up is a video of the Ninja commercial for a cell phone. That reminds me that I need to get a camera phone, but I digress. If you click on THIS link, it will take you to worksafe video by my imaginary friends at

Doom?

Well, despite the bunch of half-finished posts that I should wrap up, I'm going to discuss something new. The coming recession...maybe. A couple of days ago the news reported that the yield curve on interest rates inverted. You don't have to know what that means, but you should know that it's a bad thing. Do you remember watching Star Trek as a kid and Scotty would tell Kirk that the

The Genocide Chronicles, Part 4

Anyway, I promised an update on the Sudanese guy and here it is. If you remember the episodes with the Sudanese guy here, here and here, we had a leeetle problem with him leaving about 40 cubic yards of dirt in a common driveway. I didn't want to narc on him because of the possible bad karma that could come from ratting on a possible genocide survivor. (although I could get worse karma if he's

My New Hero

This guy is my new hero. In case you're wondering whey my new hero is a nigerian cab driver, I'll explain. He goes to the BBC for a job interview and they mistake him for one of the world's top authorities on internet piracy. Rather than correct them, he plays along. The look on his face when he realizes that he is on TV is priceless. Plane Ticket from Nigeria $1450Taxi Cab Licence (note cool

Weekend Progress and Random Stuff.

Believe it or not, I actually got some stuff done this weekend. I did some mudding, sanding and painting. The scaffold I bought last year came in really handy.I bought this for $100. This is way better than a ladder. I was gonna say it's better like in the way that a Double Stuff is better than a regular Oreo Cookie. But actually, this is so awesome that it's better like Double Stuff is

Dear Arlington Parking Nazis: Suck it!

Well, in case you are wondering what ever happened to the parking ticket I got from the Arlington Parking Nazis, it was dismissed. That's $40 less that the totalitarian government of Arlington Virginia will have to oppress it's citizens. The ninja strikes a blow for freedom! I totally feel like the guy in V for Vendetta now. Except that I fight oppression using my computer and ink jet printer